Orchestral Jokes

What's the difference between a violin and a viola? There is no difference. The violin just looks smaller because the violinist's head is so much bigger.

Why are viola jokes so short?

So violinists can understand them.

How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?

The dog knows when to stop scratching.

How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They can't get up that high!

String players' motto: "It's better to be sharp than out of tune." þ

Why is a violinist like a SCUD missile?

Both are offensive and inaccurate.

"Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant.

"You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin lessons last winter."

"Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"

Viola

How is lightning like a violist's fingers?

Neither one strikes in the same place twice

How do you keep your violin from getting stolen?

Put it in a viola case.

What's the difference between a violin and a viola?

The viola burns longer.

You can tune the violin.

What's the difference between a viola and a coffin?

The coffin has the dead person on the inside.

What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?

You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

What's the difference between a viola and an onion?

No one cries when you cut up a viola.

What's the definition of a minor second?

Two violists playing in unison.

Why do so many people take an instant dislike to the viola?

It saves time.

How can you tell when a violist is playing out of tune?

The bow is moving.

How was the canon invented?

Two violists were trying to play the same passage together.

Why is a viola solo like a bomb?

By the time you hear it, it's too late to do anything about it.

Why don't violists play hide and seek?

Because no one will look for them.

How do you get a violin to sound like a viola?

Sit in the back and don't play.

Play in the low register with a lot of wrong notes.

What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?

Everyone is happy when the case is closed.

What is the definition of a cluster chord?

A viola section playing on the C string.

Why shouldn't you drive off a cliff in a mini with three violas in it?

You could fit in at least one more.

Why can't you hear a viola on a digital recording?

Recording technology has reached such an advanced level of development that all extraneous noise is eliminated.

How do you get a dozen violists to play in tune?

Shoot 11 of them.

Shoot all of them.

Who the hell wants a dozen violists?

How does a violist's brain cell die?

Alone.

Cello

How do you get a 'cellist to play fortissimo?: Write "pp, espressivo"
How do you make a cello sound beautiful?

Bass Players

Did you hear about the bassist who was so out of tune his section noticed?
How many string bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
None; the piano player can do that with his left hand.

A double bass player arrived a few minutes late for the first rehearsal of the local choral society's annual performance of Handel's Messiah.

He picked up his instrument and bow, and turned his attention to the conductor. The conductor asked, "Would you like a moment to tune?"

The bass player replied with some surprise, "Why? Isn't it the same as last year?"

Two bass players were engaged for a run of Carmen. After a couple of weeks, they agreed each to take an afternoon off in turn to go and watch the matinee performance from the front of house.

Joe duly took his break; back in the pit that evening, Moe asked how it was.

"Great," says Joe. "You know that bit where the music goes `BOOM Boom Boom Boom'--well there are some guys up top singing a terrific song about a Toreador at the same time."

Harp

Why are harps like elderly parents?: Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.
How long does a harp stay in tune?: About 20 minutes, or until someone opens a door.
What's the definition of a quarter tone?

Pianists

Why is an 11-foot concert grand better than a studio upright?: Because it makes a much bigger kaboom when dropped over a cliff.
Why was the piano invented?

The audience at a piano recital were appalled when a telephone rang just off stage.

Without missing a note the soloist glanced toward the wings and called, "If that's my agent, tell him I'm working!"

Woodwind

Flute and Piccolo

How do you get two piccolos to play in unison?

Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?"

The other replies, "That was no piccolo, that was my fife."

Oboe and Bassoon

Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?: The bassoon burns longer.
What is a burning oboe good for?: Setting a bassoon on fire.
What is the definition of a half step?: Two oboes playing in unison.
What is the definition of a major second?: Two baroque oboes playing in unison.
How do you get an oboist to play A flat?: Take the batteries out of his electric tuner.
Why did the chicken cross the road?: To get away from the bassoon recital.
What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist?

Clarinet

How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb?: Only one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one.
What's the definition of "nerd?": Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.
What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?

Saxophone

How many alto sax players does it take to change a lightbulb?: Five. One to change the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would have done it.

What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawn mower?

The neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawnmower and don't return it.

Brass

Trumpet

How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?: Five. One to handle the bulb and four to tell him how much better they could have done it.
What's the difference between a Trumpet player and the rear end of a horse?: I don't know either.

Why can't a gorilla play trumpet?

He's too sensitive.

Trombone

What's the difference between a bass trombone and a chain saw?
It's easier to improvise on a chainsaw.
How can you make a french horn sound like a trombone?
How do you know when a trombone player is at your door?: The doorbell drags.
What is a gentleman?: Somebody who knows how to play the trombone, but doesn't.
What do you call a trombonist with a beeper and a cellular telephone?: An optimist.
How many trombonists does it take to change a lightbulb?: Just one, but he'll do it too loudly.

Hornþ

How do you get your viola section to sound like the horn section?

How can you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
þ
What is the difference between a french horn section and a '57 Chevy?
How many French horn players does it take to change a lightbulb?

Tuba

What's the range of a tuba?: Twenty yards if you've got a good arm!
How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb?

Percussion

Drummersand Percussion Players

Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?
Did you hear about the time the bass player locked his keys in the car?
How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door?
How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando?
Why do bands have bass players?
How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't just be pushed in.

Heard backstage: "Will the musicians and the drummer please come to the stage!"

What do drummers use for birth control?

Their personalities.

What is the difference between a drummer and a terrorist?

Terrorists have sympathisers.

Conductors

A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. which one do you run over first, and why?: The conductor. Business before pleasure.
Why are conductor's hearts so coveted for transplants?: They've had so little use.
What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?: The sack.
What do you have when a group of conductors are up to their necks in wet concrete?: Not enough concrete.
What is the ideal weight for a conductor?: About 2 1/2 lbs. including the urn.
Did you hear about the planeload of conductors en route to the European Festival?: The good news: it crashed.
The bad news: there were three empty seats on board.
What's the difference between a pig and a symphony orchestra conductor?: There are some things a pig just isn't willing to do.

What's the difference between God and a conductor?

God knows He's not a conductor.

What's the difference between alto clef and Greek?

Some conductors actually read Greek.

A musician calls the symphony office to talk to the conductor. "I'm sorry,he's dead," comes the reply.

The musician calls back 25 times, always getting the same reply from the receptionist. At last she asks him why he keeps calling. "I just like to hear you say it."

A musician arrived at the pearly gates.

"What did you do when you were alive?" asked St. Peter.

"I was the principal trombone player of the London Symphony Orchestra"

"Excellent! We have a vacancy in our celestial symphony orchestra for a trombonist. Why don't you turn up at the next rehearsal."

So, when the time for the next rehearsal arrived our friend turned up with his heavenly trombone [sic]. As he took his seat God moved, in a mysterious way, to the podium and tapped his batton to bring the players to attention. Our friend turned to the angelic second trombonist (!) and whispered, "So, what's God like as a conductor?"

"Oh, he's O.K. most of the time, but occasionally he thinks he's von Karajan."

Musicians

There were two people walking down the street. One was a musician. The other didn't have any money either.
Why do musicians have to be awake by six o'clock?
Because most shops close by six thirty.

Saint Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan. "Tell me, what have you done in life?" says St. Peter.

The Texan says, "Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn't sit on my laurels--I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants are all set for about three generations."

St. Peter says, "That's quite something. Come on in. Next!"

The second guy in line has been listening, so he says, "I struck it big in the stock market, but I didn't selfishly just provide for my own like that Texan guy. I donated five million to Save the Children."

"Wonderful!" says Saint Peter. "Come in. Who's next?"

The third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast look, "Well, I only made five thousand dollars in my entire lifetime."

"Heavens!" says St. Peter. "What instrument did you play?"

Singers

Sopranos

If you threw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first? (two answers)
What's the difference between a soprano and a terrorist?
What's the difference between a soprano and a pirhana?
What's the difference between a soprano and a pit bull?
How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb?
Four. One to change the bulb and three to pull the chair out from under her.
How is a soubrette different from a sewer rat?
What's the first thing a soprano does in the morning?
What's the next thing a soprano does in the morning?

Alto

What's the difference between an alto and a tenor?
How many altos does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Tenors

How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?
How do you tell if a tenor is dead?
What's the definition of a male quartet?

Bass

How do you tell if a bass is actually dead?

How many basses does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They're so macho they prefer to walk in the dark and bang their shins.

Other Instruments

Guitar

How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?
Did you hear about the electric bass player who was so bad that even the lead singer noticed?
What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common.: Both suck when you plug them in.
How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?

Accordion

If you drop an accordion, a set of bagpipes and a viola off a 20-story building, which one lands first?
þ
What's the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?
What do you call ten accordions at the bottom of the ocean?

Minimum safe distances between street musicians and the public:

Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?
How many country & western singers does it take to change a light bulb?
What happens if you play blues music backwards?
What does it say on a blues singer's tombstone?
How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?
"One, two, three, one, two, three..."

Jazz

Know how to make a million dollars singing jazz?

Start with two million.

How many jazz musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Jazz musicians can't afford light bulbs.

A Jazz musician was told by his doctor, "I am very sorry to tell you that you have cancer and you have only one more year to live."

The Jazz musician replied, "And what am I going to live on for an entire year?"

Rock

Son: Mother, I want to grow up and be a rock-n-roll musician.
Mother: Now son, you have to pick one or the other. You can't do both.

How many punk-rock musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead.

More jokes on the web

Definitions:

string quartet: a good violinist, a bad violinist, an ex-violinist, and someone who hates violinists, all getting together to complain about composers.

glissando: a technique adopted by string players for difficult runs.

crescendo: a reminder to the performer that he has been playing too loudly.

conductor: a musician who is adept at following many people at the same time.

vibrato: used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.

bar line: a gathering of people, usually among which may be found a musician or two.

music: a complex organizations of sounds that is set down by the composer, incorrectly interpreted by the conductor, who is ignored by the musicians, the result of which is ignored by the audience.

Quotations

Students tests answers (The state of Missouriþ)

"John Sebastian Bach died from 1750 to the present."

"Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music."

"Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was rather large."

"Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling him. I guess he could not hear so good. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this."

"Henry Purcell is a well-known composer few people have ever heard of."

þ"An opera is a song of bigly size."þ

Harp

"A harp is a nude piano."

"Henry Purcell is a well-known composer few people have ever heard of.

"Aaron Copland is one of your most famous contemporary composers. It is unusual to be contemporary. Most composers do not live until they are dead."

"A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals."

"I know what a sextet is but I had rather not say."

"Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago."

"My favorite composer is Opus."

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